As a Forty Plusser I sometimes find myself a sucker of punishment. Why do I always fall into the trap of trusting people and believing that all people have a good heart? None of us are perfect, but I cannot see why a person would take pride in hurting other people intentionally? At my age I know that harbouring dislike and revenge won’t do me any good. Even hatred do poison my soul.
So the big question is “what to do?”. I don’t have a 100% clear answer or advice.
There was this person in my life, that hurt me so much that I don’t want to speak to her ever again. (She was never my best friend, but we had the same circle of friends). O, I was so wrong about this person! What made it worse is that I still had to see her at some social events. I did wish that I could go zero contact, but it was not always possible. She pretended to be on my side. She knew my deepest secrets. She pretended to be my friend. People warned me against her… People told me that she had narcissistic traits . People warned me that she was just using me for her personal gain. Dumb me ignored all the warning signs.
For example: She invited me to a Christmas party. She never told me that it was a dress up party and I arrived with jeans (she told me to dress casual…). All the other guests were dressed up… the women were all dressed up in pink chiffon dresses… I was humiliated and belittled. Can you believe that I was so naive to let this relationship continue?? Dumb me!! I still cannot believe that I was foolish enough to keep up with this shit! There were many scenarios where she said something rude to me. She began to accuse me of things I never did and criticized me most of the times. She was saying really unflattering things to me. She always did her best to cast me in a bad light. She tried to ruin all my relationships, including my marriage! I was just too blind to notice that I was caught up in a very toxic friendship. To be quit frank – she was a conniving, manipulative bitch. A real backstabber. She assassinated my character. In the end it was this “in you face situations”where she clearly showed her intent to wreck my life and reputation! That was many moons ago… Learning to forgive was very complex and it did not happen overnight.
Here’s the thing. Believe me if I tell you that bitterness and anger are like thieves in the night who steal our ability to love and care. Also note that you must never repress your feelings, because they will just come up again at some point. You know that negative emotions sap your energy. One negative emotion can be like a single match that can burn down an entire forest. I don’t have the strength to plot any revenge. I know that it will just cause more drama. Putting your past behind you, doesn’t mean that you will be immune from being hurt in the present or future. Life is life! What I do know is that you must reclaim your personal power by defining what your limits are. You must take responsibility only for your part. You must avoid falling into the trap of accepting false guilt from others.
Let’s face it that there are some among us who do harm maliciously. These type of persons doesn’t care about you or what you have to say. They won’t listen to you, so in this case you are wasting your good energy. What I also know is that there are times when saying nothing is more powerful than saying something that will fall on deaf ears. I learned from experience to keep enough distance to prevent this person from hurting me again.
We all make mistakes and have our own hangups. There are times that we do things, maybe unintentionally, that hurt others. Your reputation is based on what you do and how you act in life. Gossip is what other people say about you. I learned that you can correct their erroneous conclusions about you and who you really are by continuing to do the right things in life. People will soon realise and recognise what is true, and what isn’t.
Pain makes you grow in life and in the end you will come out as the “winner”because you had a huge heart to forgive those who hurt you! The one who forgives moves ahead in life. There are moments in life when fighting back just feeds the fire and clouds the issue.