As a Forty Plusser I know that marriage is kind of “you commit yourself to keep up with your partner’s bullshit”. I am married for over 20 years so I know what I am talking about. O pleasssse show me one marriage that don’t have hangups! To be in a marriage is a constant work in progress process. Maybe you are trapped in the “only give give and give and never receiving side of marriage”.
I believe that marriage is sacred. But marriage is a personal choice and I won’t force my opinion on others. If you choose not to get married I respect your point of view. My husband and I don’t have this perfect fairy-tale life. We fight, we make peace. We have disagreements on raising children. There are those days we both have “in law-issues”. At times we have financial issues. Believe me if I tell you that we sometimes get fed up with each other!
But we try. We really really try. Marriage is equal to forgiveness. We forgive a lot. There are also lots of smooth sailing times. We totally embrace drama free days. Why not? Marriage don’t have to be this 100% burden all the time! After 20 years+ of marriage there are days that we don’t have anything to say to each other. But then again, there are days that we enjoy each other’s company and can chat for hours. There are days that my husband really irritates the crap out of me but I am sure that he also finds me annoying some days. Who is perfect hey??
I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation this week. A married woman phoned me and cried here heart out! At first I thought that somebody had died! But her story is not unique. Her husband abuses her emotionally. She can’t do anything right in his eyes. He is telling her that she is a fat pig (she is beautiful!), she is a fucked up mother(not true!), she is an embarrassment when attending business functions with his colleagues. He calls her useless in bed. She has absolutely nothing to say to him because when she opens her mouth he is finding fault again. She don’t have a job because they can financially afford it to live from his income. But the sad truth is that he also bullies her financially. In a way, I am picking sides because she is just a normal soul. She doesn’t try to dominate him in any way. He treats her with utterly disrespect. I don’t have any positive advice for saving their marriage!To me this type of marriage is a road of self destruction! I personally think that divorce is the only way out. Easy for me to say… as an outsider… She don’t have anywhere to go.
Through the years I noticed that if you don’t deal with your demons you bleed on persons closest to you. But women can also be evil bitches in marriages. I really sympathize with husbands that is stuck in such marriages. Woman can also have narcissistic tendencies. These types of wives usually punish their husbands by withholding them from having sex with them. This type of wife is very selfish and the world evolves around her needs. The husband is just a chess piece in her evil game of “Witchery” . It is very difficult for a husband to publicly admit that he finds himself in such a toxic marriage.
What I know is that marriage is hard hard work. I have no full proof recipe.
Wisdom: “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.”
Wisdom: “YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”
Wisdom: “When we think of domestic violence, we don’t often hear about husbands being abused. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet, there are many husbands who are the victims of spousal abuse. Yes, husband abuse is real; it does happen”.