Keeping up with your partner’s bullshit

As a Forty Plusser I know that marriage is kind of  “you commit yourself to keep up with your partner’s bullshit”. I am married for over 20 years so I know what I am talking about. O pleasssse show me one marriage that don’t have hangups! To be in a marriage is a constant work in progress process. Maybe you are trapped in the “only give give and give and never receiving side of marriage”.

woman in white bridal gown meditating
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I believe that marriage is sacred. But marriage is a personal choice and I won’t force my opinion on others. If you choose not to get married I respect your point of view. My husband and I don’t have this perfect fairy-tale life. We fight, we make peace. We have disagreements on raising children. There are those days we both have “in law-issues”.  At times we have financial issues. Believe me if I tell you that we sometimes get fed up with each other!

But we try. We really really try. Marriage is equal to forgiveness. We forgive a lot. There are also lots of smooth sailing times. We totally embrace drama free days. Why not? Marriage don’t have to be this 100% burden all the time! After 20 years+ of marriage there are days that we don’t have anything to say to each other. But then again, there are days that we enjoy each other’s company and can chat for hours. There are days that my husband really irritates the crap out of me but I am sure that he also finds me annoying some days. Who is perfect hey??

I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation this week. A married woman phoned me and cried here heart out! At first I thought that somebody had died! But her story is not unique. Her husband abuses her emotionally. She can’t do anything right in his eyes. He is telling her that she is a fat pig (she is beautiful!), she is a fucked up mother(not true!), she is an embarrassment when attending business functions with his colleagues. He calls her useless in bed. She has absolutely nothing to say to him because when she opens her mouth he is finding fault again. She don’t have a job because they can financially afford it to live from his income. But the sad truth is that he also bullies her financially. In a way, I am picking sides because she is just a normal soul. She doesn’t try to dominate him in any way. He treats her with utterly disrespect. I don’t have any positive advice for saving their marriage!To me this type of marriage is a road of self destruction! I personally think that divorce is the only way out. Easy for me to say… as an outsider… She don’t have anywhere to go.

man and woman kissing
Photo by Rocsana Nicoleta Gurza on Pexels.com

Through the years I noticed that if you don’t deal with your demons you bleed on persons closest to you. But women can also be evil bitches in marriages. I really sympathize with husbands that is stuck in such marriages. Woman can also have narcissistic tendencies. These types of wives usually punish their husbands by withholding them from having sex with them. This type of wife is very selfish and the world evolves around her needs. The husband is just a chess piece in her evil game of “Witchery” . It is very difficult for a husband to publicly admit that he finds himself in such a toxic marriage.

What I know is that marriage is hard hard work. I have no full proof recipe.

Wisdom:Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.”

Wisdom: “YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men    

Wisdom:When we think of domestic violence, we don’t often hear about husbands being abused. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet, there are many husbands who are the victims of spousal abuse. Yes, husband abuse is real; it does happen”.

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8 thoughts on “Keeping up with your partner’s bullshit

  1. Sad to hear about your friend. Unfortunately, this is quite a common occurrence and the symptoms are 99% clear: her husband has an affair, his senses are bewitched by another woman. Just saying, not only from my 30+ years of marriage to my ‘loverboy’ (we’ve been always honest to each other from the very/early moment when he shared his porn with me) but also from my 10 years as a divorce lawyer (before having the twins and giving up my career to raise our four children).
    Men make no exception to projection — that psychological issue that projects on others what one’s feeling culpable of. Wondering if he’s not accusing her that she’s sleeping with other men.
    Still, that marriage could be saved (against the odds) if she admits that the only thing she’s got, at this sad moment, is HER FEMININITY!! She’s got no freedom, no money, no job, etc. But she’s got herself.
    And she’s beautiful, we all are when we put that in our minds. Maybe she enjoys watching herself in the mirror, take some selfies, share them privately or publicly. This, a way or another, will build her self-confidence, will support her.
    And if the man sees the change, if he rediscovers the ‘bad girl’ re-emerging above the ‘trashed wife’ then here’s her chance. If not, sadly, who knows. But what she needs, beyond our prayers, is COURAGE to be herself, to see herself in her early twenties, yet wearing nothing bur her matured mind of today.
    My two cents.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lots of great points… all the things nobody talks about when getting engaged or slipping on the ring.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes! I have written about men being abused by women on my blog because it’s not talked about at all. There is a book called ‘Abuse of men by women’ by Ann Silvers.

    No matter who is being abused, If therapy doesn’t help, then getting out is the only legal solution.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wonderful post 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Excellent post! Not enough awareness of either of these situations!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Excellent post ! Kind of close to reality about relationship and your view on both the sides !!! Very nice !!

    Liked by 1 person

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