As a Forty Plusser- Life’s good again today!! I snapped out of my depressive episode. About a month ago I was at a total bottom low “Hello Darkness”. For the past few weeks I wasn’t able to write ANY posts. Thank you WordPress for the scheduled post option!! My brain was one big empty darkness. Just nothing! I could not think, I could not eat, I could not get up in the morning, I could not find pleasure in anything, I just did not have strength to live life!! Bipolar is a bitch!! I feel like a robot that is controlled by the chemical imbalance inside my brain! It is a constant ebb and flow of striking highs and lows. I really have NO CONTROL over this! Quotes like “We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” Bullshit man!!
But today is not a bad day! Okay, it is not exactly a jingle bells, somersault, acrobatic moment, no just normal, just content. I rejoice! I feel normal again. I can see clearly again. I can feel again! You go girl! Yesterday I decided to get on the treadmill. Guess what? I ran for 15 minutes. It was a big step for me, a great accomplishment! It was better than nothing at all! Let me tell you, I felt super afterwards, so proud of myself!
My temper is under control! Today, I feel at peace with life. Everything’s good. I feel mellow and in control of everything. This absolute feeling of a constant state of rage is gone! I feel free! Life is beautiful again. Yes, I actually see the beauty in everything. I see the beauty of the sunset’s glory! Gone are those feelings of hopelessness. Gone are those crying for no apparent reason. At this moment I don’t feel sad, worthless or guilty. What an amazing feeling it is to be able to concentrate and staying focused!! I don’t have any overwhelming feelings of anxiety! What a relief!!! I just love it!!!
I hate depression. Depression blocks my vision of a positive future. When I hit a low and can’t even tolerate the present. But today I have a really good upbeat streak! I do have the strength to find joy in my daily activities. Can it even be possible?
Just the thought of a relapse makes me absolutely terrified. I know that I will relapse… it always happens after feeling this good. But for now I will just let it be and enjoy every minute of feeling joy again!!
Wisdom: “May you find comfort and peace in every situation.”