As a Forty Plusser I am not at my best today. About two weeks ago I began to spiral downwards. This is so familiar. I always crash back into a deep depression after feeling really good!
The more I fight this monster, the more I sink into this hole of darkness. I am dancing with the devil again. Dear bipolar. Hello darkness my old friend! So you are back again!! I went to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday. Always the same thing… We must change your meds!! I am just so sick and tired of these meds. It doesn’t permanently cure me – but it helps. Popping pills to see clearly again. Lovely stuff… mmmmmm. Popping pills to see through this foggy black mist again. At this moment my emotional state is super low. I am between depressed and feeling totally fucked.
At this moment I am irritated by all the happy, friendly, full of life and energetic people around me. How the heck must it feel to be THAT way?? You are so lucky!! I envy you! Since becoming an adult I never never ever felt that way! During a time span of 365 days a year, I mostly feel unhappy. It’s crap man!! Last night I broke down and cried my heart out. I told my husband that I can’t live this type of life anymore. Beyond my emotional state my physical state is just as crappy. I don’t want people to see me like this. Dark circles under my eyes…how attractive!!! I have this constant headaches and dizzy spells. My eyes are swollen…maybe because of lack of sleep. I struggle to keep my eyes open – it is like my eyelids won’t function. My anxiety levels are totally out of control. I have chest pains. Stiff neck and aching shoulders. O and I worry – I worry A LOT!! I worry about every single little thing on earth!!!!!
Social life? What social life? My social life is zero. I can’t social in any way… I just can’t right now… I can’t explain to “normal people” that I have nothing to talk about. I struggle to follow conversations. I can’t keep up, I am in slow-motion mode. I am just so freaken tired. I just want to sleep, but if I am lucky enough to actually fall asleep the tiredness/drowsiness gets even worse when I wake up. I can’t explain it. It feels though I have a constant hangover. I don’t hate people – I just can’t be around people right now. Please forgive me.
I know that I am in a depressive state of bipolar. I know, because I have felt this way a hundred times before! I am not brain-dead. I just don’t know how long this episode will last. Days, maybe weeks. I am so tired. I just don’t have the strength right now. I am actually a bitch right now because people who love me, constantly try to assure me that I am loved and that I am not alone… I feel guilty. I fail all these people who are so nice to me because I can’t really show any sort of appreciation towards their kind gestures.
This dark cloud is ruining my existence. I can’t sleep, I don’t want to talk, I have no appetite, I have no patience, I have no libido, I have no energy and zest for life, I am not good company at all. I really don’t know how long it will take for the meds to kick in. Dopaquil, Epitec, Trazodone, Venlor. I will drink my meds like clockwork, but then again, it comes with certain side effects… whoop whoop whoop!!!!