HELLO darkness my old friend

As a Forty Plusser I am not at my best today.  About two weeks ago I began to spiral downwards. This is so familiar.  I always crash back into a deep depression after feeling really good!

The more I fight this monster,  the more I sink into this hole of darkness. I am dancing with the devil again.  Dear bipolar.  Hello darkness my old friend!  So you are back again!! I went to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday.  Always the same thing…  We must change your meds!!  I am just so sick and tired of these meds.  It doesn’t permanently cure me – but it helps.    Popping pills to see clearly again.  Lovely stuff…  mmmmmm.   Popping pills to see through this foggy black mist again.   At this moment my emotional state is super low. I am between depressed and feeling totally fucked.

At this moment I am irritated by all the happy, friendly, full of life and energetic people around me.  How the heck must it feel to be THAT way??  You are so lucky!! I envy you! Since becoming an adult I never never ever felt that way!  During a time span of 365 days a year, I mostly feel unhappy.  It’s crap man!!  Last night I broke down and cried my heart out.  I told my husband that I can’t live this type of life anymore. Beyond my emotional state my physical state is just as crappy.  I don’t want people to see me like this. Dark circles under my eyes…how attractive!!!  I have this constant headaches and dizzy spells.   My eyes are swollen…maybe because of lack of sleep. I struggle to keep my eyes open – it is like my eyelids won’t function.   My anxiety levels are totally out of control.  I have chest pains.  Stiff neck and aching shoulders.  O and I worry – I worry A LOT!!  I worry about every single little thing on earth!!!!!

Social life?  What social life? My social life is zero.  I can’t social in any way…   I just can’t right now…  I can’t explain to “normal people” that I have nothing to talk about.  I struggle to follow conversations.  I can’t keep up, I am in slow-motion mode. I am just so freaken tired.  I just want to sleep, but if I am lucky enough to actually fall asleep the tiredness/drowsiness gets even worse when I wake up.  I can’t explain it.  It feels though I have a constant hangover. I don’t hate people – I just can’t be around people right now.  Please forgive me.

I know that I am in a depressive state of bipolar.  I know, because I have felt this way a hundred times before!  I am not brain-dead.  I just don’t know how long this episode will last.  Days, maybe weeks.  I am so tired.  I just don’t have the strength right now.  I am actually a bitch right now because people who love me, constantly try to assure me that I am loved and that I am not alone…   I feel guilty.  I fail all these people who are so nice to me because I can’t really show any sort of appreciation towards their kind gestures.

This dark cloud is ruining my existence.   I can’t sleep, I don’t want to talk, I have no appetite, I have no patience, I have no libido, I have no energy and zest for life, I am not good company at all.  I really don’t know how long it will take for the meds to kick in.  Dopaquil, Epitec, Trazodone, Venlor.   I will drink my meds like clockwork, but then again, it comes with certain side effects…  whoop whoop whoop!!!!


24 thoughts on “HELLO darkness my old friend

  1. Wishing you to feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Keep writing my friend. Sending love and gentle healing ♥️

      Liked by 2 people

  2. The meds are designed to make it worse, even if alleviating the symptoms, these things won’t heal you.
    Why? Because the system needs you to stay sick – you bring them more profit when you are sick.
    Find another doctor, look for a second opinion, search for an innovative doctor


    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hang in there! It’s amazing that you can write honestly about your experiences. I hope it helps you in your struggle. You are a strong person!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you for sharing. I am sure that is not easy. You have a good support system around you, a good doctor it sounds. Focus on what you do have as much as you can. Low points make it really hard to see any good or happy, but it is there. Stay strong. Find one thing to be your lighthouse, your guide.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hope your feeling better soon 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My precious fortyplusser! You, my friend, are the reason I write! I “get” you! I have been you… and will be you again… Know that you are most certainly not alone. I invite you to read my book Masquerade… you can find it if you search Samantha Elizabeth Barrett Masquerade on Amazon…. this book chronicles exactly what you’re talking about… and provides some insights on how to navigate the darkness. Second, know that I am here for you… as well as others… you WILL survive… hugs to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Hang in there! I too suffer from depression. Remember that social media is deceiving: most people aren’t as honest as you are and only post the good, bright things (and often exaggerate them) most of all don’t forget that you have been through this before, and you’ve come out the other side!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
    What if you are this beautiful soul whose one moment of being alive, seeing and feeling things is way way better than many useless lives out there?

    What if its time to give yourself, your brain, heart, eyes and everything normal in the eyes of the world, a break?

    There are so many “what if’s” but I will stop here by sharing the theme of my watching your blog over last couple of months. You write so few, yet deep words with awesome background pictures.

    Lets not call this awesome state of “pause” as depression or bipolar anything. Lets just call you twenty something hey hey hey 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You are welcome 20 years old beauty (minus nights). 🙂 Your loved ones are so lucky to have you. When these dark thoughts come to you tell them the rest of the world thinks so positively and beautiful about you.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Thank you very much for the inspiration!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I should say thank you too for your inspirational blog.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I can relate. I was there last week, and with each passing day, it would be worse. Throw some horrible life event (my dog about died this week) I have flipped to the other end of the spectrum. It is easier to deal with having too much than not enough. Hang in there, you said it yourself, it will pass. The tricky question is how long is it going to take. Don’t let go of the thread you are hanging on. There is an end to the depressive cycle, and it will come. You are brave and you are strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hang in there! You will get through this difficult time like you did before. Keep breathing… one breath at a time .

    Liked by 1 person

  11. How tormenting the situation is😖😖

    Liked by 1 person

  12. How tormenting the situation is😖😖
    Mam, is the well developed scientific field of medicine not well enough to find a permanent curative medicine for this condition?? Why there is no better drug for this situation even when dreadful cancer has it’s curative now??

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hugs, dear. ❤ I feel you, I truly do.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Round and round again, yet slightly better each time when I’m working on it.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I too know the feeling of slipping into the depressive phase of bipolar. Life truly becomes grey and nothing can excite you, but do remember that stability and colour is on it ways, look forward knowing the grey will fade and colour will prevail. Are your current medications the only ones you have tried?

    Liked by 1 person

  16. This is a heartfelt post about a tough subject-depression. Thanks for the share and please know you have plenty who care (as evidenced by the warm wishes abovey) Hugs, my friend

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Praying you feel better soon. 😔

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Depression is a constant battle. Seek a more natural type of help. There are pleanty on alternative healers from which to choose. I hope you find the right path for you. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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