Smudged makeup

Right. This is not easy at all! Never thought that it would be such an issue. Come on! Many people before me survived this! Today especially, I am lost. Like lost. Really. My inner GPS is broken. I never imagined that I would end up like this. I am drowning in an ocean of self-pity. Today I cry… I only cry… I don’t cry everyday, but today is one of THOSE days again! I cry BIG tears. My makeup is smudged. What an ugly sight! I can’t stop crying… I’m nuts.

animals avian beaks birdhouse

My children first went to boarding school 5 years ago. (We don’t have a highschool in our town). Monday to Friday. Their age gap is 11 months. It was a huge adjustment for me and my husband, but we got used to it. At first it was like super exciting. It meant more time for ourselves to focus just on the two of us. No more obligations regarding schoolstuff.
How is our life during the week? Just a quiet bliss…without the kids. But it is not always a good thing. Guess what? We mostly have conversations about the kids! Kid you not!! (Lol!). There are evenings that my husband and I don’t have much to say to each other. Sometimes even nothing at all! We are not angry with each other… no! There are really some evenings that we don’t have much to share with each other especially if we had a boring day at work… I can tell you – it is not always nice!! Some evenings I get a form of self-pity where I truly (mostly delusional) believe that we have nothing in common and that we would be better off divorced (Lol!). Reality is that we also have good times!

brown and beige short beak claw foot bird on bird house
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Weekends – back home: On weekends the kids return home and I must admit that we actually miss the kids a great deal. Weekends are super great! My daughter and I do girly stuff and my husband and our son do boystuff like target shooting and hunting. Everything feels alive again. ALIVE! I can handle teenage hormone outbursts, because my perimenopausal hormone imbalances sometimes transforms me into a “super warrior mom” during these combat situations. Bring it on baby! Okay I lie. Bigtime. Slamming doors, eye rolling moments… They drive me up the walls and I sometimes question my parenting skills. But they are normal teenagers.
And off she goes! My daughter just finished school. I cry my eyes out (totally silly!). She is off to study at a university. (We will only see each other every six months). We have this special bond. She is my best friend. She is a beautiful young lady. She is like a special gift from God. She is such a lovely soul and treats everybody with kindness and humility. I am not a clingy mom. She has her own life. I will never hold her back in life.
My son: My son will finish school next year. I also love him to bits. He is a bubbly young lad. Always positive and acts like he has no care in life! Always joking around. A carefree soul. (Not like me at all…sulking…crying…thank goodness!).
The question: Am I crazy to miss them already even before they are both out of the nest?? My whole world evolves around my children. O, you must think that I have this perfect little angels…(LOL!). I love my children with all my heart.
What to do? I know that I must do something to live a more fulfilling life. It is not my husband’s responsibility to make me happy again. I need to find happiness and a purpose deep within myself. Nobody really needs me now anymore. I feel useless. To make matters even worse… 2 of my best friends had to move to another town…I miss them! We only see each other once in a blue moon. Another dear friend of mine lost her battle with cancer this year.
The plan: I have a fulltime job. I also started blogging(hobby), but it is still not enough to fill this gap deep inside my soul at this moment. I joined a bible study group and that kind of helps me to boost my inner peace and gives me emotional strength to face the world again. Children must leave home. It is a normal phase of life. I just need to find activities that provides me with a sense of meaning.

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3 thoughts on “Smudged makeup

  1. You are being a parent and nothing wrong with that. You work, you have hobbies, a husband: perhaps volunteer or create a side business to keep busy? Be in contact with your kids as much as you can. Modern technology means physically you see your daughter every 6 months, but with Whatsapp video, calling or messaging, you can be in contact regularly.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sometimes it takes time to figure it out but you can do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ambitious and willing people don’t carry a vacuum very long. There are always needs to be met in people to people relationships if you care to fill them. I’m sure someone from your Bible study group can point some out to you. Not that I’m such an expert, but I’ve lived almost 85 years (next month). My life has been renewed pretty much decade to decade! I call it moving from “glory to glory.” Nothing really is intended to replace your priority to husband and kids, however. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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