The “Why?”

As a Forty Plusser I have asked this question many times: “Why, why why?”. This is a very depressing topic. Please stop reading if you wish… I am not looking for some kind of sympathy. This is just about reality I experience in my daily life.

Life itself, cannot be predicted. Sometimes life isn’t easy or go as we had thought it would. Life, as we know it, is not always fair. One of the most heartbreaking moments for me is when parents loses their child… The unfairness of getting cancer … Sorry, some people say that cancer is a word – not a sentence. I don’t agree. Almost all the cancer sufferers that I knew DIED! Good people. Bad stuff happening to good people….. But that is life!! There are so many obstacles and challenges to face in life!

My battle in life is nothing compared to a parent that lost their child, nor to any cancer patient. I am almost ashamed to mention my biggest “challenge”. I always knew that something was “wrong”with me. I was on normal antidepressants since the age of 24. It was a constant trail and error period, trying to find the “right medication”. My life was always a struggle. The one moment I was like hyperactive. The next moment/week/weeks I was down in the dumps. This was my life for about 10 years!!!! This normal antidepressants just couldn’t let me feel better!!

The turning point was when I had to be hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital. I was so scared, I thought that psychiatric hospitals was like how the movies negatively portrayed it. O well, nothing like that in my case! It was a positive experience. I felt safe. The nurses were professional and treated me with compassion.

Good news (Kind of…weird) : I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar. Ironically I think that it was one of the best days of my life. The “something is definitely wrong with me”now had a name!! I was kind of relieved. I know other people with bipolar and we have a really good bond. We all have a story to share and truly understand each other. Since being on bipolar medication my moods began to stabilize. That spiking ups and downs… I began to feel better. At times I feel good/normal. I have less mood swings. I have less thinking of suicide all the time. At times, life is really good and I can cope quite easy with life.

The big “But” – Bipolar medication don’t cure you from this illness. It’s a chronic illness. I honestly can’t say which is worse… the “up swing” is usually the time that you f*ck up bigtime(mind my language). One positive aspect is that I am very creative when I hit a high! But, I still hit horrible, rock-bottom lows at times, but not as often as before starting treatment. Luckily for me I have a good relationship with my psychiatrist. I can phone her ANY time – day or night. She never told me that I am crazy (I cannot say the same for some people I know….).

At this low/down times I am a disgusting person:

I am negative. I fantasize about dying(maybe it is better to die than to feel being dead while still alive…). I am a wife “straight from hell…a real bitch”. (I don’t know how my husband keeps up with me). I am not a good mother(not a good role model). I am not a friend for my friends (this behavior of me kills friendships). I am not religious during this time ( I am a Christian!) – I wish people can stop saying that I don’t trust GOD! Of course I do! Just not when I am “like this”. I am not a good employee – sometimes it is so severe that I have to take sick leave. I am the “can you please just freaken leave my alone!” type of person.

I am angry for being bipolar – This is when the “Why? why? why?” question comes to mind. This question will never have a clear answer.

“Quote on bipolar: “I compare myself with my former self, not with others. Not only that, I tend to compare my current self with the best I have been, which is when I have been mildly manic. When I am my present “normal” self, I am far removed from when I have been my liveliest, most productive, most intense, most outgoing and effervescent. In short, for myself, I am a hard act to follow.”


7 thoughts on “The “Why?”

  1. Do not be so hard on yourself! I know others with bi-polar; eat well if you can, sleep well if you can, exercise, journal, find a good doctor…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Do not be so hard on yourself- you are doing okay. Life is a journey with the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. We make it through both. We find ways to cope. It is a journey and you are taking such big steps on it by getting help and getting a diagnosis. For what its worth, I am proud of you and your efforts. I can’t wait to follow your journey because I know you will be so successful and most importantly, happy.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. There is no ‘why’ to life unfortunately; don’t beat yourself up though, this moment will pass. Sending virtual hugs :O) x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’ve been bipolar all of my adult life. I equate it, in some ways, with the weather. Some days it is sunny and bright, all things are possible, nothing can get me down. Some days are awful, and I don’t want to get out of bed.

    Years ago, after several years of medications, I decided that I couldn’t live with the “deadness” I felt while under medications. I felt like I was living in a fog, without any connection at all to the real me inside. I felt like I’d given up everything that made me “me” and was stuck inside a pseudo human being, without flavor, without emotions, without any reason to live at all. I didn’t want to live that way, and so I decided that I’d rather live with my extreme emotional roller coaster than depend on meds to keep me in balance.

    So, what then? I know that I can’t rely on my emotions to be an accurate guide, either for my behaviour, or my commitments. I don’t think you can maintain a marriage as an on-again, off-again basketcase. So I decided that my behaviour would be governed by my personal values instead of my feelings at the moment. Whether I’m happy as a kite, manic and unstoppable, or if I’m deep in depression, I respond to external stimuli based on what I really want in the long run. This means that I’m always willing to be supportive and listen to others, whether I feel like it or not. It’s not about me, it’s about them and the kind of a man I really want to be.

    That’s not to say that I don’t completely “fuck-up” everything sometimes, either in my personal or professional life. It’s especially true when I forget what’s really important to me, and express my immediate emotional state instead.

    But the other part of living your values, is that you have to be willing to be completely accountable for your actions at all time. That’s easier said than done, but it allows you to own your mistakes and forgive yourself, rather than going over and over again and again. Instead of feeling proud of yourself when you’re up and ashamed of yourself when you’re not, you learn to accept yourself with all your warts and blessings on the same basis.

    I feel for your pain, I really do. But you can live with it, and achieve a life worth living, regardless of temporary emotional states that come and go without any useful purpose.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for stopping by! You are such an inspiration!

      Liked by 1 person

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